Economists Baffled As Local Man Feasts Like 18th Century Monarch For Only $27.95

SCRANTON, PA — Leading economic indicators were thrown into absolute chaos today after reports surfaced of a local man, Dave Kowalski, consuming a literal feast of ocean bounty at Cooper’s Seafood House for less than the price of a used DVD box set of The Office.

According to terrified but impressed witnesses, Kowalski sat down during the Monday–Wednesday window and ordered “The King’s Catch.” Onlookers gasped audibly as the waiter presented him with a steaming cup of rich Maryland Crab Bisque, followed immediately by a massive 7oz Cold Water Lobster Tail and six hand-breaded golden fried shrimp.

“I checked the bill three times,” said local witness and amateur accountant Martha Higgins. “I thought for sure he had to sign over the deed to his house or at least a kidney to afford a lobster tail that size in this economy. But the receipt just said $27.95. I suspect witchcraft, or perhaps a glitch in the simulation.”

Sources confirmed that Kowalski also took advantage of $1.25 oysters and half-price drafts between 5 PM and 7 PM, causing the Federal Reserve to hold an emergency meeting to discuss how much value a single human should be legally allowed to consume on a Tuesday night.

“He was eating the shrimp with the confidence of a man who owns a yacht, but he drives a 2014 Ford Focus,” noted the bartender. “It’s the lobster. It changes a man.”

At press time, the new self-proclaimed “King of Scranton” was seen waddling out to the parking lot, loosening his belt three notches, and declaring to a pigeon that he “rules this city” before falling asleep in his passenger seat.